Hic
by The Invader Androgynous
Summary: Poor Ginji has the hiccups, and everyone wants to try their hand at curing him. Will the cure turn out to be worse than the disease?


Well, here I am, back again… I just can't stay away from this place. If someone else has already used this idea, I apologize, newcomer to this fandom. Stupid one-shot humor. I'm using the fan sub romanji for the names that I am personally most familiar with, so don't kill me if they don't disagree with the fan subs you've seen… please?

===

_Hic… hic… hic… hic… _

Ban sat up angrily, hair twisted at a half-dozen odd angles from the way the gel had dried while he was sleeping on it. In the darkness of early morning, his silhouette looked like Sonic the hedgehog having a bad day. "Ginji, can't you stop it with the hiccupping? I'm trying to get some sleep!" he shouted from the front seat of the tiny Lady Bug. 

Ginji, pulling a mouse-chewed felt blanket over his tousled blonde hair, groaned in slight misery. "I'm sorry, _hic_, Ban-chan, but they won't, _hic_, stop."

Ban rubbed his face where his eyes met his sharp, angular nose. "I told you not to eat that sushi. I told you, spicy foods give you the hiccups. I said, wasabi DRAINO balls certainly sounds like a spicy sushi. But did you listen? Noooo, and now I have to suffer for it!"

"I'm sorry, _hic_, I'm sorry," the miserable youth said, curling up into the fetal position.

Ban sighed, digging around in the glove compartment. If he was up, then he was in need of a smoke. Filling the car with the light of the meager flame from a cheap lighter, he peered over at the alert Ginji. "When I had a bad case of the hiccups once, Himiko told me to try holding my breath."

"I've, hic, tried that."

"Hmm… wait, maybe it was holding my breath while drinking a glass of water. Have you tried that?"

"_Hic_, no."

Ginji crawled into a seated position, up over Ban's legs, and out the passenger door. "I'll go fill the, _hic_, thermos with water at the, _hic_, bathroom of the gas station," he said brightly, his mind filled with hopes of freeing himself from the wretched hiccups. His green vest and oversized tan shorts flapped against his body as he practically skipped down the road. 

When he returned, a dejected look had overtaken his normally cheery features, dark purple circles appearing under his eyes. "It didn't, _hic_, help." He looked up suddenly, hope returning. "I know, I'll call, _hic_, Himiko, and ask her what she did for you!"

He reached out and snatched the cellular phone.

"No, Ginji, don't!" Ban tried to cry, but it was too late. Ginji was lying on his back in chibi-form, flattened by the stream of angry words that had come out of the phone when Himiko realized that Ginji had called her at five thirty in the morning to ask her how to cure hiccups, of all the stupid reasons to get someone out of their warm bed at a ridiculous hour.

After about fifteen minutes for Himiko to have her say and calm down enough to not be spitting venom into the receiver, she sighed. "You have to drink the water while standing on your head and holding your breath."

"Thank, hic, you Himiko-chan!" Ginji said brightly, pulling his pillow out of the back seat through the window.

"What are you doing now, Ginji?"

"Himiko-chan said that I have to drink the water while standing on my head and holding my breath…"

"Ginji? Ban?" a voice asked out of the darkness, causing both Get Backers to jump. Sadly for Ban, he was still in the car, and his head impacted the roof with an unsatisfactory metallic thud.

"Kadsu-chan?" Ginji asked. "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

"Well, it's practically morning," Kadsuki corrected politely, his long brown hair making the gentle sound of bells ringing. "I was actually going home from spending the night watching Juubei try out his new routine at the comedy club." Kadsuki was wearing a flowing black shirt with his usual gray pants and brown shoes, his idea of the perfect outfit to wear when going out to a club for the night.

Ban frowned, wondering if he'd get a bump from the impact. "The comedy clubs closed hours ago. Why are you still out wandering around?"

Kadsuki sighed, his warm brown eyes slightly pained. "It took that long to clean the vegetables off of him."

Ginji cringed. "Poor, _hic_, Juubei…"

"Ginji, those hiccups sound terrible. Have you tried standing on your head while drinking water and saying the alphabet backwards between sips?"

"No… I was about to try, _hic_, standing on my head while drinking, _hic_, water and holding my breath…"

"No, I'm _sure_ the proper cure for hiccups is to stand on your head while drinking water and saying the alphabet backwards between sips."

"Well, Himiko-chan said the proper way to get rid of, _hic_, hiccups is to stand on your head while drinking water and holding your, _hic_, breath."

"I don't care if you drink juice while standing on your head in the hood," Ban snapped, "Just stop it with the run-on sentences and get on with it!"

"I'll, _hic_, try both!" Ginji chirped, putting the pillow down and hefting himself so he was standing on his head while leaning against the brick alley wall for support. He tried holding his breath while drinking water, but still no luck. He tried saying the alphabet backwards, but the blood rushing to his head caused him to pass out before he could make it past "Q".

When Ginji slowly came too, a worried looking Kadsuki and a pissy-looking Ban were standing over him. "Are you okay?" Kadsuki asked. "Here, take another sip of the water…"

"Idiot, passing out from standing on your head too long," Ban snipped. 

"But… I think the hiccups are gone now!" Ginji said brightly. After a few more seconds, his upper body trembled and another "hic" escaped his lips.

Ban smacked his own face in frustration as Kadsuki helped the woozy Ginji to his feet. "All that trouble and he still has the hiccups! I'm not going to get any sleep tonight," Ban whined. "I need my rest to use the Jyagan!"

"I would hate for you to think me an eavesdropper," a smooth voice interjected from behind them, "but I have heard that hiccups are caused by spasms of the diaphragm. If I were to surgically remove the offending organ, Ginji-kun would not be having problems…"

Ginji squealed and climbed up on top of Ban, shaking in chibi-form when the black-trench coat clad form of Akabane lunged out of the shadows, glowing blue-white knives drawn. Ban jumped backwards, skittering across the alley. "Jackal! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ban snapped in anger, the weight of chibi-Ginji on his head making his back scream out with spasms of pain.

"_Hic, hic, hic, hic_," said terrified Ginji in agreement.

Akabane looked vaguely disappointed, which is very hard to do when one is still smiling. "Oh, my, it did not work…"

"What didn't work, you zombie freak?" Ban snarled. "Removing organs that Ginji needs to breathe?"

"I had heard that scaring the hiccups out was the best way to remove them," Akabane answered perfectly innocently. 

"You made them worse!" Ban screamed, referring to the fact that Ginji was now doing nothing but hiccupping, whereas before he could at least take a deep breath between hics. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I was about to return home for the day when I happened past and overheard your plight."

"Well, just keep right on walking then. We don't want your kind around here!" Ban snarled. Ginji continued hiccupping in agreement, still clinging to Ban. "And you, get off me!" Ban said angrily, pulling chibi-Ginji off his head and depositing him on the street. Ban looked down at his watch and sighed. "It's getting late enough that the Honky Tonk should be open for the morning rush. Maybe Paul will have a solution for the hiccups."

Walking alongside Ginji, Ban looked angrily back over his shoulder. "Stop following us!" he snapped. Kadsuki's eyes reflected momentary hurt. "Not you, Jackal!"

"I prefer getting coffee in the morning, and I can patronize whatever restaurant I please."

"Well go 'patronize' somewhere we're not going."

"It is just a coincidence that we both happening to be going to the same eating establishment."

Ban continued to fume, but realized that when Jackal had no intent of doing anything but exactly what he wanted to do… Jackal had no intent of doing anything but he wanted to do, to put it bluntly. "Speaking of which, why are you going with us, Kadsuki of the Strings?"

"I want to help Ginji get rid of his hiccups, and I'm really awake after being up all night, so I don't feel like going to sleep yet. If we can't find a way at Paul's place, perhaps Juubei will know a cure. He is my doctor, after all."

"Yeah, and a REAL doctor," Ban replied to Kadsuki, casting an edged glance at Akabane to let Akabane know he was being referred to. For his part, Akabane didn't seem to notice the barb. 

"_Hic, hic, hic_," was all the sad, miserable Ginji-chibi said.

The four walked down the street, drawing a few curious stares from shop tenders just opening their stores for the morning. A young man with a very bad case of anime-hair syndrome and purple glasses was walking with a tiny, trembling, and very misshapen blonde child thing in oversized clothes holding onto his hand. Following them were a person of indeterminate gender with beautiful, flowing brown hair and a leather coat wearing, fluffy-haired Goth in an oversized hat.

"Geeze, we're attracting stares," Ban noted. "The store clerks look like they're debating if we're going to rob them if the open up shop."

"They are just staring because Ginji-kun is so pleasing to the eyes," Akabane smirked, knowing full well that having such words come out of his mouth would send Ginji into another tizzy fit.

"Stop baiting him," Ban snarled, trying to pry Ginji off the leg Ginji had glommed onto in sheer terror.

At the Honky Tonk, Paul frowned and washed at a persistent coffee stain in the bar varnish. "Have you tried taking nine quick sips of water?"

"Please, _hic_, no more, _hic_, water, _hic_," Ginji whined. "My bladder, _hic_, can't take, _hic_, it."

Paul set down his white rag. "Have you tried holding your breath?"

"I've tried it, _hic_, but I can, _hic_, try again!" Ginji cried warmly, sucking up as much air as possible and holding it in.

"Hey, why are you serving those two first?" Ban demanded, hitting his fists on the counter when he saw Paul heading over to take orders from Akabane and Kadsuki.

Paul looked over at Ban through his dark glasses. "Because unlike you, these two are _paying_ customers."

Ban growled. "Doesn't our loyalty mean anything to you?"

"It would if it were paying loyalty," Paul answered coolly, turning back to Kadsuki. 

"Do you have double-skim mocha lattes with whipped cream drizzled in chocolate?" Kadsuki asked, looking vaguely distant. Apparently, something very good had happened in Kadsuki's life involving mocha lattes with whipped cream. At least… well, for the sake of the other character's sanity, we will pretend the object being covered in whipped cream was indeed a cup of coffee. Akabane, meanwhile, was only interested in chai tea, which seemed odd. Paul would have betted that he'd want straight black coffee.

There was a sudden loud thud as Ginji passed out, his face blue from having held his breath too long. "Ginji!" Kadsuki and Ban cried in unison, running to their sprawled out friend. After a few moments, his cow-like brown eyes slid open.

"Are they, _hic_, gone?"

Ban and Kadsuki sighed in frustrated unison. "No, I'm afraid not…" Kadsuki answered as Ginji looked around in dazed confusion.

"Why did you hold your breath that long, you idiot?" Ban shouted at Ginji.

"Don't shout, _hic_, Ban-chan. I just wanted to, _hic_, be rid of these hiccups…" Ginji whimpered miserably, his eyes like a whipped puppy and his lower lip trembling.

"At least there's less of them now," Kadsuki said hopefully, helping Ginji into a sitting position. The poor blonde nearly toppled over from lack of oxygen to his brain, taking deep breaths as he tried to recover from having fainted.

Himiko, looking sleepy and more pissed off than usual, entered in the front door of the Honky Tonk. "Still hiccupping?" she asked.

"What are you, _hic_, doing here Himiko-chan?" Ginji asked, confused.

"I couldn't get back to sleep once you woke me up so I decided to come down here and make you guys listen to how miserable I am because you woke me up."

Ban tried to hide the fact that he was rolling his eyes behind his tiny sunglasses. "Great. You always were a ray of sunshine in the morning, Himiko."

"Shut up. It's your fault I'm in a bad mood."

"My fault? Ginji is the one that called and woke you up!"

"I'm sure you put him up to it," she snapped, sliding onto a bar stool. "It's too bad you still have them. Have you tried scaring them away?"

"I did," Akabane answered, stirring his tea with a scalpel. 

"That is so unsanitary," Himiko said flatly to Akabane before returning her attention to Ginji. "Maybe you didn't use the right scare tactic." She spun around in her chair, then leaned down and whispered something into Ginji's left ear.

Ban stared as Ginji climbed all the way up one of the support poles holding the ceiling of the bar up, his face an odd combination of green and white, hiccupping far worse than when Akabane had frightened him.

"What did you SAY to him?" Ban asked in frustration, pulling on Ginji's green jacket in an attempt to dislodge him from the ceiling fixtures.

Himiko glanced over at Akabane and Kadsuki to make sure they were out of earshot, then leaned over and whispered, "I said, imagine Akabane naked…"

"That's nasty! And now I'm going to have to live with his nightmares, as if I already didn't get enough sleep!"

Himiko smirked. "That was the intention, Ban. You know I love the look on your face when you suffer."

Ban growled from deep in his throat and finally pulled hard enough to dislodge a shaking, hiccupping Ginji from the ceiling. "Pull yourself together," he shouted, grabbing Ginji by the front of his white shirt and shaking him.

"What's going on here?" HEVN asked, coming in the front door. For some reason, stepping over the threshold made her gigantic breasts heave.

"Ginji has the hiccups," Kadsuki answered. He had a smear of whipped cream on his upper lip.

"Kadsuki, you have a…" HEVN said, gesturing across her lips with a single finger.

"Thank you, HEVN-san," Kadsuki said, wiping the whipped cream off. Noticing Akabane's shoulders shaking from a snicker, he frowned. "Don't say anything. Just don't."

"I've always heard the best way to get rid of hiccups was to give them to someone else," HEVN said, her oddly yellow eyes contemplative.

"Give, _hic_, them to, _hic_, someone, _hic_, else?" Ginji asked, confused.

"Yes, if you will your hiccups onto someone else they'll leave you."

Ginji's eyes narrowed as he focused in determined concentration. "All right, _hic_, I'll try anything!" He knew exactly who he was going to will his hiccups onto. Staring straight at Akabane, he concentrated hard, and…

"Did it work?" HEVN asked.

Ginji frowned, noticing Akabane wasn't hiccupping. "I don't think so, HEVN-san."

"You didn't hiccup right then…"

Ginji hesitated. "You're right! I'm cured!" he cried, bounding to his feet and dancing around with fans on which the word happiness had been written in red.

"But if Ginji gave them to someone else," Kadsuki pointed out, "Who did he give them to? I'm not hiccupping…"

"Nor am I," Akabane added.

"I'm not, either," Paul said. "And HEVN isn't hiccupping, so that leaves…"

Ban glared angrily at Ginji as a hiccup escaped his lips. 


End file.
